“I didn’t doubt it for a second”

On Tuesday, I got my official note (well, call) of acceptance for the team.  If all goes as planned and money is raised, we will leave Aug 2010.

Unlike some of the others that I’ve heard from, I didn’t feel like I had a burden lifted in that moment.  My mom’s response to the news best illustrates my own sentiment: “I didn’t doubt it for a second.”

Its funny, when you’re promised something from the world, a friend, a best friend, a family member…regardless of the strength of the vow or promise, there is always a piece of me that knows that it may not happen.  When GOD Himself calls you to something, there’s a peace that it will.  It may not look like how I thought it would (more often than not, it doesn’t), but His Word never returns void.  There’s peace in that truth.

Lately, the LORD has been teaching me to trust in Him fully.  He’s put things in my path that look a bit crazy, but in the end, blessed are those that take refuge in Him. My fears are no match for His promises.

Psalm 5

¹² For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

Take Me Apart…I Think?

I’ll give you all of me, for all You are

Here I am, Lord take me apart

…All I am I want to lay down at Your feet.”

- You Are, Tenth Avenue North

This week has been tough for me.  I have no doubt in my mind that I am entering (slash have entered) a season of intense refinement in preparation for next year.  I am being stripped of comforts and securities and joys, left feeling a bit distraught, fearful and frustrated.

Thankfully, I have people standing by me to point me back to truth and direct my eyes back to the Lord.  In the midst of my gloomy and exhausted state, the Lord has spoken and has begun to restore a sense of normalcy and joy.  The fact of the matter is that my contentment and joy has to be rooted in God’s character and work on the cross.  I have been blinded by the impossibilities set before me.

In a book I was reading this week, the author talked about justification AND sanctification as a gift.  Salvation – yes.  But the tough and excruciating work of tearing us apart, only to be rebuilt anew…a gift?  Although it is hard to see it in the midst of the tearing down, I have hope in the rebuilding and replacing with a stronger, more Spirit-filled me.

I have my first fundraising meeting, meeting with church staff and final interview in the next few weeks, so more to come on those fronts.

P.S. Here’s a team pic – the 4 girls and pastor Francisco (left) and Juan (right)!

I guess this could be considered our "before" picture...

“And My GOD Will Meet All Your Needs…”

Through the generosity of a few people this week, the LORD has provided for a) close to the full amount of my week of training and b) fees for a full semester of the Perspectives class in the Spring.  Neither were spoken needs, but through no effort of my own, they were both taken care of.

I am in awe, and once again, am encouraged and reminded of the Lord’s perfect provision.

Ephesians 3:20-21

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

Praise Him!

Oh, Moses.

Last week our team travelled to Orlando, the land of 90 degree humidity…in October.  I keep referring back to the training as the “pressure cooker,” so the weather fit in beautifully.

Now that I’m a little removed from the week, I can really appreciate what happened.

All in all, I find myself constantly asking for my eyes to be directed back to GOD and His purposes.  As soon as they are self-focused or even circumstance-focused, fear and and quite frankly, an unwillingness to go, are inevitable.  He is the one that called me to this ministry.  He is the one that will HAVE to provide strength and aptitude to face the year that lies ahead.  He has the ability to know all things, change all things, empower all things.

When I got back, I was reminded of Moses’ call in Exodus.  I love and can completely relate to his responses: “O Lord, I have never been eloquent” and finally…”O Lord, please send someone else to do it.”  I feel inadequate in my abilities and I have, at times, been extremely tempted to quit before this whole thing ramps up. What person in their right mind would willingly place his/herself in the line of fire?

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for thoes who have been trained by it.  Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.  Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.” – Hebrews 11:11-13

Here goes nothing…

P.S. First round of team pics to come shortly.

Perfected.

I’ve always been an overly-ambitious soul.  Always.  Anyone that knows me, knows this is true.

Here are a few examples:

My mom tells me that when I was learning to walk, I wouldn’t even attempt to walk before I knew I could do it perfectly.  In 4th grade, I told my teacher that “B” stood for “bad.”  This concerned her.  During high school soccer and cross country practices, I would impose extra punishment upon myself when I would get into trouble: more hills and more laps than my due.  After both the state high school soccer game and cross country meet my senior year, I cried with disappointment…needless to say, I missed out on the joy of the experience itself.

High ambition has led to many good things in my life: a sense of self-discipline, setting high goals for myself (and mostly achieving them), a high work ethic…but it also exhausting to feel as if nothing I do is ever “good enough.”  Fear of failure can really ruin the opportunity to experience grace.

Hebrews 10:12-14

“But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of GOD.  Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.”

I happened upon this verse this morning and immediately, “he has made perfect forever” stood out.  Perfect.  He has made us perfect.  In GOD’s sight, we are perfect through the blood of Christ.

In light of this, it is incredibly ignorant and prideful to continue subconsciously setting these unattainable standards for myself, when the standard set by GOD Himself has been met.

In true Carrie Bradshaw-esque fashion, something to ponder:  As ones that profess Christ, do we live as those that have been perfected, as those for whom the ultimate standard has been satisfied?  Are we living so closely under His grace that we experience the freedom to fail?

P.S. Our team is meeting with TVC staff tomorrow to get all the details on next year.  Will keep you updated on my proposed reading list, visitation schedule (you heard me), etc.

Until then…

Cierto o Falso?

True or False:

“Sometimes, I am so strongly attracted by the personal articles of others, such as shoes, gloves, etc., that I want to handle or steal them, though I have no use for them.”

Welcome to my life.  In addition to “normal life,” I am now officially ruled by applications, personality tests (they have yet to confirm that I am NOT crazy – is it bad that I answered “true” to the above?), reading (which excites me…nerd alert) and…training.

Our team leaves on Sunday for our first round of training.  We will be in Orlando for the week (just so happens to be the week of U2 & TX/OU ) with Great Commission Ministries learning more about the organization and preparing for the next few years of service (starting now).  If you think about it, please pray for us…it will be an intense week, but I’m expecting great things!

Oh, and we got pictures of “home” for next year…here are a few to give you a little taste.

Deja-Vu?

I’m experiencing deja-vu of the time that I finally “gave in” and joined Facebook.  I’m even sitting smack in the middle of a similar environment (the Elsby house shares MANY similar characteristics to the XO house).  “Flora on floor!” Anyone?

But this “new start” in the blogging world is just physical evidence for a whole slew other new beginnings in life….the most dramatic of which involves a move to Guatemala 10 months from now.

Let’s  make this  clear.  I’m NOT going for any of the following:  A) a year’s vacation B) escape/informal hiatus from the U.S. (although, if you know me at all, this one is a bit more credible than A) C) “You’re 25! When else are you going to do something like this?”

Let me back up a few steps.

I find myself identifying more and more with Soloman in the book of Ecclesiastes: “Vanity, vanity, all is vanity!”  Ok, so that sounds a bit dramatic, but it is partially true.  In fact, this was never more true than in December 2007…I had it all: close-knit friends, a wonderful job, supportive family, extravagant “yes, I’m living beyond my means,  but it is worth it!” vacations…and felt more unsatisfied with life than I ever had before.  Underneath, I was buried in guilt (which is an interesting emotion when you can’t pinpoint what exactly you’re guilty of) and didn’t want to come close to God, or church, or super-Christians, for that matter, for fear of  the condemning feelings that would surely  follow.  I had a distant view of God, one that barked down orders from above and expected us to be able to follow.  I couldn’t live up to God’s standards or my own.  In my darkest moment, Jesus Christ, the Savior and only Hope, reached out to me and lifted the burden of condemnation.   I would no longer be held to past, present or future wrongs, nor would  I be chained to the standards of perfection that I had so aggressively built.  This was the only thing that “made sense” to head (I’m a skeptic, so this, in itself, is pretty incredible!) and heart, and so, I followed.

Fast-forward to 9 months ago, November 2008.  I felt the “call” to apply to go to Guatemala with The Village Church.  I’m not going to lie, I felt significant amounts of apprehension.  The adventurous, free-spirit in me was excited about travelling and a  new experience, but I didn’t know a single soul on the  team.  By the grace of God,  I raised my money and went on  my way.  I prayed that my heart would not be broken by what I would see in the coming days.

On the trip, most of our time was spent with the Fundacion Salvacion orphanage in Huehuetenango.  I can’t  even begin to explain to you the number that these kids did on my heart!  Contrary to my fears of being broken beyond my means, my heart was FILLED with joy: joy in serving others, joy in fellowship, joy in seeing true contentment lived out, joy in witnessing Christ’s sufficiency in desperation, joy in drawing near to the Lord like never before.

When I returned, our missions pastor asked if I saw myself going back…for me, the question was never IF I was going back, but rather WHEN and in what capacity.

The Lord used the trip to ignite a passion in me for the people of Guatemala.  I love this verse in James:  “Religion that is pure and undefiled before GOD, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep onself unstained from the world.” (James 1:27)

For the next 6  month, the Lord led me to pray about my involvement in Guatemala.  One day as I was praying specifically for riots in  Huehue to cease, the Lord led me to pray to send people  there…subsequently  turning into a prayer to “send me.”  He led me through the passage in Isaiah 6 of Isaiah’s vision of the  Lord,  followed by his humble response in the ashes of life.  Over the next several months, the Lord used people, prophecies (!), circumstances, prayer and His word to confirm this calling on my life.

I visited Guatemala again in June, but this trip served a completely different  purpose than the previous.  The church had recently changed its vision for serving in Guatemala, and would now be focusing on a few areas of ministry in Guatemala City.  Our team’s main responsibility was to build relationships with an Acts 29 Church, Casa de Libertad, in addition to working with the  kids and staff of the Fundaninos orphanage.  This trip was difficult and  personal.  The  Lord  gave me a glimpse into what missionary life  would surely hold: delayed and cancelled flights, little to no sleep, illness (yes, I fainted…again), emotional “wear and  tear,” lost baggage, PediaLyte, open doors one day that were closed the next, heartache…He reminded me that this was, by definition, the “narrow path,” the “road less traveled,” but ultimately, the road of obedience, and thus, joy.

So, here I stand.  I  am at the “beginning” (depending on your perspective) of a complex, frightening, exhilarating,  challenging  journey that will leave me forever changed.

I am glad you’re along for the ride.